Mom, how do you love someone else's favorite holiday when that someone else isn't here to share it with anymore? I don't ask for people to pity or feel sorry for me, but sometimes I just feel like they don't understand just how much I really miss you. How much I really need you... or how much I really really love you. I know you're with me every where I go every single day. But thats not good enough for me anymore. Not seeing your face anymore kills me. Not hearing your voice anymore wracks my heart with such sorrow. Anytime I was upset, your arms were always the best place to be. I just hope with all my heart that you don't feel the sorrow in Heaven that we feel without you here. Even though we are barely a family anymore, we still are your family and we all still love you. I close my eyes at night and I try to dream of the day that we're together again. Where I'm not trying to remember what your face looks like or how your voice sounds because I'll see it and hear it right there. When you died, even though I took it hard, I thought I was prepared. Prepared because I was with you until you left this earth and I saw your pain and suffering and I thought I understood. And I do. I understand your leaving, it was too much. But the suffering didn't end, it was just passed on down. 2 years later and I thought I'd had found a way to cope with the hurt and pain by now. But every day I live it just seems like the pain is only sharper. I hate being a "Motherless Daughter". Our Sundays used to consist of us usually meeting up with Grandma, Aunt Elaine and/or Aunt Marilyn, going shopping, yard-saling, or just hanging out and spending time together. My Sundays now consist of stopping by your resting place to tell you how much I miss you and that I still wish you were here. Ovtober 29, 2007 I was with you at Dr. Dhar's office because you were slipping fast. Your memory had already gone down hill and all pain was worse that before. But yet, you never forgot me. You knew already that it was bad and you told me that you wanted to see the kids on halloween one last time and I told you that it wasn't the last one. We lost grandma just the year before and I asked Dr. Dhar if I could please have you for one last Christmas. I didn't have Grandma the Christmas before and this was one of your favorite holiday and I just wanted it to be one last hurrah. But you didn't make it. I resented everyone for it, and even myself. I guess somewhere down the line some how some way I just need to hear the words from you that I did okay and that you understand. I love you mom, Merry Christmas in Heaven. Love you yesterday, Today, Tomorrow, Always, Janine