Why does it have to be a memory?? Why can't you just be here? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE MY MOM????? Why do I have to miss out on all the mother/daughter conversations. Our last goodbye plays over and over in my mind every single friggin day. I keep thinking of ways to try to turn back time and have you here again. There is so much that I don't believe in anymore now that you're gone. You were my everything I needed. I'm trying to settle into my new place and everything is just going haywire. Nothing is going right. I want to just lay down and die with you. I had the courage to be strong when you were alive, now that you're gone, I just want to give up on everything. I know I can't, but I don't have that support anymore. I wasn't ready to say goodbye even though I had no choice because I knew you were going to leave whether I did or didn't. April asked me why I still have the pillow that you laid your head on as you took your last breath. The reason is, is because it's the very last thing I have of you. I watched you lay there on that pillow, with that look of helplessness on your face and I sat there and asked God to just let you be in peace if there was nothing else I could do. The pain I have inside of me is nothing compared to your pain, I know. But it's almost unbearable.Mom please come back to me, even just once. Let me just see you face to face, feel your arms around me and tell me that you understand and that it will be okay. Please tell me that you'll always be near because I don't really feel anything. I want to be able to feel your presence here with me. I want to be able to hear your laughter again. I want to be able to hear your words of advice, I want everything back. God, I just want my mom. I love you mom, yesterday, today, tomorrow, always... with every single piece of me.